the sinner in me
2009 Resolutions
Keep studying
Be a great boyfriend, and a good son
Be more all-rounded
Stop shrinking and start growing again
Be able to answer to myself
My Second Wind
I fear stagnation and lack of progress. I fear never reaching my potential and being average. I fear being forgotten. The past. Yesterday's news. I fear giving up and being passed by, going softly into that good night. I fear letting those I love down, letting myself down. I fear settling, giving in to the "that's just the way it is" mindset. I fear dying without leaving my mark. I fear not feeling these fears anymore and just floating along. These fears feed me, they nourish my drive.
I love my fear.
yeah, i do have a crush on her. and i find i keep thinking of her all the time. it's weird how infatuation can cloud one's mind and provide a sweeping sense of well-being, like how morphine puts a person on a high (almost like being anesthetized). even when she looks flustered and stuff in the photos, she's still such a beauty. there can be no wrong in her, but that's just the result of infatuation, of course. i'm just drifting along with the current.
the fallen saint left at 8:03 pm
blogging from taiwan. new experience. everything here's in chinese. bah humbug, now i'm relying on my memory on what buttons mean what. hard, especially when sites like yahoo only have chinese words.
the fallen saint left at 8:47 pm
i will be leaving for taiwan technically at 2230hrs tonight. i'm not bold enough to expect anything good out of the coming three weeks, since the trainees will be having exercises continuously till the last three days, when r&r begins. that also means my friend and i will be busy (ignorant understatement) until then as well.
the fallen saint left at 5:35 pm how does one decipher the words of another, and distinguish between sincerity and deception? for a cynical sceptic, sincerity will only be perceived only if one believes entirely in another, insofar that the receiver is trusting, and is confident that the giver is trustworthy. deception becomes one's suspicion if the situation is otherwise.
the fallen saint left at 8:03 am
back early this week from camp, after a busy few days in the office with countless errands to run and plenty of administration to look into. i've never felt more stressed by the work (not the workload). if my job was just slightly intellectually stimulating, i wouldn't mind it. but it's always the simple things, but amazingly tedious and repetitive, that really kills the brain cells and puts me on the brink of lunacy.
the fallen saint left at 12:09 am
"bush under fire over hurricane aid", so the guardian unlimited's headline says. i only just realised that all this while, i never quite bothered about how the people in louisiana were affected in terms of their lives. in fact, all that stood out to me about katrina was that oil prices were rocketing up the charts, and in recent days (haven't been able to check the latest pricing) petroleum has become a hefty commodity to afford.
the fallen saint left at 8:30 am
just when i thought i was back up again, the wall came crashing back on me. ah, thanks for all the effort, but sorry, it means nothing.
the fallen saint left at 12:28 am
now, how did folks start creeping into this place through this one particular portal, which i never even informed of my blog moving? i don't remember speaking to her much in recent months, and it wasn't long ago that i shifted over, yet she has my link and i'm not even aware of it. until now, anyway.
the fallen saint left at 9:56 pm
Saturday, September 24, 2005
the river runs deep
she's not online now, but i wasn't expecting her to be. few would be at home on a saturday night at their computers. well then, here i am blogging. it seems that my blog has persisted in its relative invisibility. just as well, i guess. this was never meant to be a voyeur site of sorts.
in any case, i'm not expecting anything out of this now. i just want to be friends and see where it takes us, i suppose. no point forcing anything, and certainly to tell her how i feel now would make me look rather stupid. i'm not desperate, and life's pretty ok at the moment, no need to upset the balance. time's passing by slowly, and i'm going to die the next week with nothing to do. it's going to be damn boring. maybe i'll go run and play some ball. it'd be good to kill time anyway. it's a nice feeling to be at peace with myself. she's something to think about of course, to gush over and marvel and go crazy about, but yeah, i'm still myself and in control. things have never been better, i'd say.
in a way, singlehood really showed me how much i'd been missing out on while i was with you, and now that this door has opened, i don't think i'll ever look back. not that i hold any grudges, for i've found an equilibrium, and it's really a new high i've never experienced before. thank you for leaving me? haha, i wouldn't go so far as to say that, but well, i've never been better.
Tuesday, September 20, 2005
weird places
i don't know you, but why do i miss you?
Monday, September 12, 2005
off
i'm looking forward to receiving my new posting when i return. i suppose whichever the new camp, and wherever it may be, i'd rather travel a bit further than to be stuck in this hellhole that's called soa/stw. and if the mpo's words hold true, then there'll be a bit of leave-clearing before i move out, which will be a welcome respite.
but let's not get hopes too high, for this is an ideal scenario. hope for the best, but expect the worst.
to those reading this who are doing so because they care, you all be good and take care of yourselves. as for the rest.. hurhur.
lose it
so will you drop the act? in terms of character and principles, you've proven yourself to be nothing. you do not deserve the warmth and comfort of being loved, and you certainly are not worthy to love anyone.
why should i be important to someone like you? to bear any associations with you is a smear across anyone's credibility - well, only if they know what you've done in the past. maybe IES made a bad decision - no scholar should behave this way. it irks me when you come back after a week, smiling as if nothing had happened between us, pretending to wish me well before i leave for taiwan. i don't accept your well wishes.
often i get chided for still holding out, waiting for you. i chide myself too. there are some things only i know, that will break you apart and render you unimaginably vulnerable, and i wonder if the path i took those years back was really worth all this trouble. you're only good for a lover, never a friend, and it's little wonder why i say that. there is nothing in a friendship with you. with or without, there isn't quite any difference.
i don't expect anything back from you. you can take what you want from me. but before you even consider another mind game to play, i've this to say, and only this: get stuffed.
Saturday, September 10, 2005
coming back
there's lots of stuff to pack for the taiwan flight, and i was caught in two minds about whether i should begin to take some stuff home from my bunk cupboard, in anticipation of my posting out upon the return from taiwan. i ended up only clearing a few sets of clothing. maybe i'm the kind of person who prefers to act in certainty. shrugs.
it's more than a month now, and finally i'm no longer waking up to the same thought as i used to. i'm visibly relieved, and find it easier to laugh with my friends now. dad said time will heal all wounds - i was sceptical. but now, i feel better and stronger, through no conscious effort. i'm genuinely starting to believe that life is better without her; she had always been a distraction back when i was a student, and after all, it was because i'd wanted to spend as much time as i could with her during the weekends that resulted in my having no time at all to catch up with friends outside of army. hey kid, you put your foot in the mud, now get yourself washed up. i can't say i've got myself all together yet, but it's slowly happening.
now there's something good to look forward to.
Saturday, September 03, 2005
i wonder if such a heartless reaction in myself was a result of the media's method of presenting the news to us. i recall the front page of the straits times announcing that oil prices have soared to $2 per litre. and it was only a few pages into the day's news that the reports of the hurricane's effects on the people in new orleans could be found.
or perhaps it's a desensitising on my part after the hoo-hah on the tsunami that happened in december last year.
whichever it may be, it's shameful to worry about oil prices when so many are losing their lives, and many others their homes and livelihood. has the world turned selfish, or am i the only one?
Friday, September 02, 2005
it all falls down
kid, you're fighting a losing battle. why are you refusing to give up? because you truly believe she's the one for you? and what if she never comes back, will you carry on waiting even on your deathbed? i just might. i can't see myself liking anyone else. sure, a few doors have opened, but the answer is still the same. there was never any doubt. but you're only stupid to hold out for her. it's a lost cause. and would forcing myself to like someone else make me feel any better?
i'm stronger as a person now, and i can live my life decently, although i still wake up every day wishing i could talk to you about nothing, just to hear your voice on the line and to know you're smiling on the other end, happy that there's so much more and greater to look forward to ahead of us together. but it's always the same thought that follows: it can't happen anymore.
it's so hard to lift my chin again. to have loved and lost is a monumental pain. but something indeed was wrong with that relationship. it was choking you. you couldn't pursue your interests because there wasn't enough time, and the way the relationship worked just wasn't suitable for what your interests required. maybe now's a good time to finally get down to exploring what i'd wanted all along, even if it will feel rather empty without her encouraging me and giving her advice and opinions. she was never a hindrance, but it just felt as though she was holding me back when it came to a lot of things that i'd wanted to try.
whichever way it is, go for it. it's a little late in coming, but better late than never.
Thursday, September 01, 2005
hello people
then there are those who for some unperceivable reason and unthinkable means, stumble into this little bit of web space, from all over the world. i wonder how they even found their way here. google "patent" and voila? it's a bit of a joke.
well, i can't stop you if you wish to read, but there isn't anything thought-provoking here, so if you would, lose yourself.